Yesterday, IDEAfarm 2012 ended. It is crazy that this event that we have been planning, dreaming of, and looking forward to has come and gone. It was amazing! This was our third summer to do IDEAfarm, and I have left feeling inspired after every single one. It is a weird feeling to want to give and invest in others, but yet walk away encouraged, challenged, and inspired.
The students and leaders that we had come were incredible. Their stories, their passions, their dreams are moving. They were real, honest, and open. When those three things are together there is such a sense of community instantly. I am still processing all that I felt and what I feel like is going on inside of me.
Yes, I helped prepare the food and was a small, small part to help pull this event off. BUT, I got to listen to some amazing sessions and talk to some amazing people. I feel like Matt and I have had such a crazy summer and have been going and going non-stop. I had a had two-hour drive (both ways) by myself . On top of that I had a deep heart inspiring time. It left me well…soft. I don’t know another word to describe it right now. I feel at a tender place. Open, challenged and seeking maybe? I have been so busy going. I have been moving and doing things a little off course
I don’t feel like I am way off course or anything. It’s more that I just need time to breathe, re-center, and figure some things out. A key point in Andrew’s talk on Friday night was “we can be a small part in something BIG or a BIG part in something small”. I can’t shake that concept. It’s burning in me, and I am trying to figure out what I am about. I want to be a small part in something big.
I’ve gotten to build into these two beauties since they were in seventh grade. I look at them now, and they are two of the most gorgeous girls I know.
Literally, they are so inspiring. I walk away from talking to them, and I know they are impacting the world for good. I can not take credit at all for them, but I look at them and think of all those times I was tired and worn out from pouring into some “young kids”. Maybe here I was a small part in something big? There were so many times I wanted to quit being their small group leader cause they were “out of control”, “didn’t get it”, and “didn’t care”. We hung in there together. They put up with me crying at them, fighting for their hearts (and attention), and starting my family.
They have hearts for things that matter and they have dreams and ideas to care and build into women. They are world changers. It’s hard for me to realize that I can’t build into girls in the same way these days. I feel like doing life with people is the way to best build in trust in love so that you have a door to speak into their lives. It is hard to do that daily with the needs of three young ones. Although, I will continue to love these girls and be there for them, I know I don’t have the capacity to do that with a new group of girls.
My season is my kids right now. I think that’s ok and that is the way it is supposed to be, but yet I have been trying to do SO much more.
My kids are my world and they are my ministry right now. It wont always be that way, but I have the very small opportunity and gift to build into them with everything in me. I am not doing that. I think of how I spend my time and things that are taking from me, and I know I can do better. I want to do better.
They are my dream, and I need to give them more time and space in my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I am way off. It’s just convicting to know I can do better. God’s grace has swept over me. I can look at my little girl dancing (and dance with her), smiling, and thinking this is the best moment, but also be thinking of a huge to do list. I’m not as fully present as I want to be.
I have this friend that will sit and color with her kids for thirty minutes straight. I don’t do that. I might set them up to color and color for a few minutes, but then I rush off to check email, fold a load of clothes, or even to check this blog. I have been having waves of vertigo again, and I know it is because I have been stressed and trying to do too much. They are my job and all the other “jobs” don’t really matter.
I have lost grasp on that perspective. I have gotten caught up with doing fun things, trying to have it all together, and taking advantage of not having a “baby” any more. For so long, we were in survival mode and trying to figure out how to handle three kids. Don’t get me wrong, we still have hard days with three young kids, but they don’t require the same amount from me.
Or so I had convinced myself. They do still need me, and they do more now than ever. Although, their physical needs are easily met, now their hearts are grasping more than ever aswell. Their little eyes see things and are impacting/imprinting their hearts. I wanted to keep Caleb home for kindergarten, to build into and impact him. I praise the Lord he has gotten my attention before I rushed into a school year at the pace I was going. I would have been impacting him for the worse. Now, I am more excited than ever to homeschool his little mind and heart.
I know I need to slow down and re-center my priorities, but it’s hard to hold onto that perspective (& figure out how to do it on a daily basis) without allowing the space and time to process and be still.
IDEAfarm started something in me, and I want to give it the attention it deserves. We leave on Wednesday to head to the beach, and i am so excited about it! I am going to allow this trip to start a month of social media silence for me.
I think it will be hard at times, but it will also be really good. Haha I don’t trust myself though, so I am literally going to delete the FaceBook app on my phone to keep me from breaking down.
I am pausing all Friday Project Spotlight posts, and I will probably stop posting for this next month all together on this blog. I can’t promise that though. 🙂 I am such an inward processor and it helps me to type things out to find clarity on how I feel about things. If I am not publically posting things, there will definitely be a lot of “drafts” going on that I can post after my “social media silence”.
Today is Aug. 6 and I think I will be back sometime that first week of September. Thank you for reading about this time. I appreciate all your prayers and for those of you gave to make IDEAfarm possible. I can’t tell you how incredible it was. I feel like I am not doing it or whats going on in me justice with this post, as I am still trying to figure it all out.
I can tell you this though, I felt so so incredibly connected and loved by Jesus this weekend. The most I have in a while, because I literally just made myself available. He used people to speak truth over me and to me. I have not had many moments in my life that I feel like God verbally spoke to me in some way that was so crystal clear. I had that this weekend.
The moment I fully accepted the challenge going on in my heart, I stood up to walk out of the session (to go help with lunch of course and not running from my confrontation at all)…I received a message that I could not ignore. God was not going to let me brush this thing off. I know this is vague. Haha I don’t have it all figured out, but I am hoping when I come back, I will.
I am praying that this month, I allow God to direct mine and Matt’s paths. I’m seeking that he will give us a view of what is next for us, with daily ways of how to get there. Thank you for being on this journey with us!
Thank you so much for being patient with me and caring and loving for my family during this silence.
Kelly Kristen says
Thank you for your honesty, courage and willingness to name that you’re not where you want to be. It takes a lot to be so vulnerable. And I can tell you, from the little bit of time I got to spend with you, that you are indeed a small part of something very, very big.
Love and blessings as you continue your process, and step boldly into taking the time and space to see where you are and where you want to go.
Jacqueline Wallace says
I thank God for what He is doing in you…He always calls us to Himself first, then to “doing” something. Never confuse the two. Your “soft” heart can hear God; guard it jealously! I am praying for you.
In awe of this wise decision! So pumped to hear more when y’all get here! Love you!
Rachel Mango says
So excited for your time of silence! but I must say, I am super excited for you to come back online so I can be filled in on your life! love you!
Anna Barrs says
Thanks for all the times you DIDN’T give up on that small group of girls. Maybe it’s a sneak peak at the way you’re pouring into your kids now. I can imagine it’s not always easy. But you’re pouring in now to be a part of something big to come. I love how whatever season you’re in, you do it well.
I too have benefited from those days of you investing. Thank you, 10 years later! 🙂