For a week, I have been down. When I say down, I mean like sad, weepy, no patience with my sweet kids, tired, cranky (borderline bitchy), and on the verge of a depressed outlook on life. It has been a long week.
I shared at the beginning of the year that my word for the year is CHANGE. I’ve also hinted to big things coming for us as a family. Everything we’ve been thinking and moving towards was on track and could not be more exciting. That is until this past week. We had a huge set back. Things that were coming together all of the sudden had fallen apart. It wasn’t like a two steps back sort of thing. It was a back at the starting line kind of blow.
Although we have been dealt a hard hand at the moment, I feel like I am carrying things harder than I should. The truth is I am truly blessed. I have an amazing family, a roof over my head, and food in front of me. All our bills might not be paid at the exact moment, but there are plans for them to be, and we will be just fine.
I have wanted to crawl in a hole, feel sorry for myself and not talk to anyone really. That’s not fair, and it is not healthy. When I have moments like this week in my life, I call it my hole. I feel like I have fallen into a deep black hole, and I can’t find a way out.
I know sometimes in life we have to choose joy (as I posted this above instagram this week), but I want that joy flowing more freely…even over speed bumps.
This post might come as a surprise after a few cheery posts about my Valentines Day Mantel, my kids vlog, and a Girl’s Night. All of those moments were real and special but I am also good at ignoring and stuffing my issues. It’s a craft in itself, but I am also a mom to three beautiful kids that I’m trying to nurture in a POSITIVE way. I don’t have to be perfect, but I have to be healthier.
This week, I found myself evaluating my health, and the verdict was not good.
I have not done a good job with my goal of eating breakfast for 2013. Coffee no longer counts.
I used to be a runner! I ran several miles a couple of times a week. Now, I haven’t run in months.
I start my days drinking coffee. (about 3-4 cups a day)
I end my days drinking beer.
I throw a large sweet tea down in the middle of most days.
I sit in front of a computer for my “alone time.”
I eat a lot of sugar. Candy mostly.
My mind is always going.
I don’t know how to not “be doing” and rest.
I think if I was a healthier person, and I had a few of these things in order, I would be able to process bad news better and keep perspective on the bigger picture. So, I need to change. Funny how that was my word for this year!? Change.
Matt and I were talking about how we so easily over estimate all we can accomplish in a year, but we under value what we could accomplish in the next 15 minutes. Vision for the future is so important but life can be simplified just by focusing on today. Do the little things and do them well. Control the things I can control and trust for the things I can’t. So while I’m still believing in big things for this year I’m going to try and focus on the gift I have been given: today. I’m going to work to change the parts of me that I can change today.
In the midst of this crazy emotional week, I got a package from my new friends at Provacative Manners that put a smile on my face.
Danielle Marie & Katrina are best friends that blog together. How cool is that!? I have had the pleasure of getting to know these sweet friends and I am blessed to now have them as my own blogging buddies. They write as they see life, “it’s all about the fabulous lifestyle, fashion, treats (whether that’s dessert, pedicures or a kiss in the rain!) and those common sense everyday manners!” They have gorgeous pictures and are really relate-able.
They sent me a sweet Valentines Day present, and how coincidental that it was all about pampering ME!?
Thank you Danielle Marie & Katrina for not only putting a smile on my face, but a ray of sunshine in my week!!
Thank you to all my amazing readers for being a place that I can process life.
Thanks for being so brave and honest! I can relate to a lot of what you described and it is not fun or easy to come out of. Praying that God would meet you in and bring you through this ‘hole.’
Rebecca!!! Thank you!! I feel the prayers and feel so blessed to have a wonderful community to help carry me through!
I appreciate you sharing your heart so honestly. I know it is encouraging to KNOW others struggle with the same thing, but we always think we are alone in it. Praying your burdens are lifted today!
Thank you for your candor. Although FB and the internet are wonderful for sharing with others. At times, I think we only get to see the shining star side of people. We all have struggles. Isn’t it ironic that we have difficulty sharing the one thing that everyone experiences in life, sadness. It’s nice to see the whole picture. 🙂
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own”.- Matthew 6:33-34
Soooooooo true Cara!!! Your comment made my day. Truly! Thank you sooo much!! Its so hard for me to open up about the sad times, because I don’t want to seem whiny or like I don’t know I am truly blessed….but they are so there and I need to fight through my insecurities to show the whole picture!
Hi Erica, I just wanted to share that you are not alone – I know there are other people who have these down times- and I am one of them. I go and go and go; get up at 6:00am and go to bed at 3:00am; I make lists of things to accomplish during the day that is probably not humanly possible, not to mention unrealistic (and if I do something that is not on the list, I add it to the list just so I can check it off). This year, because of some health issues I have worked on changing too. I won’t list all that has gone wrong; too much information.
What I do want to do is encourage you – you are right to take one day at a time – get up, say this is going to be a good day (and make one little change) breakfast – (this is one change I have made (like you said) – I don’t know if you have tried making smoothies for yourself and the kids in the morning, but they fill you up and there are great fruit and yoghurt combos that are healthy and give you lots of energy.
And second, you really do have to analyze things – On a scale of 1 to 10 how does this thing matter in the scheme of life – is it worth the worry, or anger, or whatever the emotion.
And my main saving grace is that I pray – I talk t- o God alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll day long. He is my best friend. I can tell him everything, I can scream, cry, and say things to Him that I cannot tell anyone else. (because they would hate me or pity me or just think I am right out crazy.
I know you know all of these things but this is just a reminder. Oh, one more thing – know you are loved, know you are not alone, and know that you can call me if you just need to vent.
Love you my friend and I am one of your cheerleaders – Go Erica!
Love,
Libby
Libby, I miss you!!!!!! Thank you for your encouragement-and relate-ability that I am not alone!! The lists are me tooo!!! Why oh why do they have so much control over my life!?!! You made me smile so huge when you said you are one of my cheerleaders! I feel that and finding strength from that fact! I love you so much!! Maybe we can add each other to our to do lists so we can hang and go walk or something sometime?? I love you and thank you for continually building into me!!!
oh, I forgot – : ) don’t be so hard on yourself – I think you are wonderfu!
Oh, Erica — wish I could give you a big hug! Good advice you’ve given yourself — to “choose joy”. I have to remind myself of that every so often, too. Easy to get bogged down in the not-so-good things and forget about all the blessings we DO have.
Hang in there, sweet girl!
xo Heidi
PS — I have not forgotten about the button swap, I am just way behind! Thx for your patience!! xoxoxo
Heidi! i can’t wait till the next time we hang out! I love you! Thanks for your sweet, sweet words!! I’ll take you up on that hug 😉
Hi Erica,
I loved the way you wrote this post, very open, not whiny, seeking change and coming up with concrete steps to achieve balance and health in your life. I don’t know you well, but it sounds like you are a wonderful person and friend to know. Praying for peace and JOY in your life.
God bless your efforts and your heart to seek and serve Him with your life. 🙂
Valerie, Your comment was one of the first I read., Thank you sooooo much for your encouraging and loving response. I always hesitate to write those posts because I don’t want to seem whiny, and I know I am blessed…so your words warmed my heart that it is ok to be down, open up, and not seem like complaining or have eyes to see joy. Thank you sweet friend!
I wish I had some really uplifting quote or something great advice to share. All I can offer is empathy. Those big holes do suck! And it seems like friends are usually the ones who pull us out. Good thing we have MOPS coming up!
YESSSSSSS Sally!! I will be there!!!!
So sorry to hear you’ve been down 🙁 I will be praying for you!
Thank you Angela!!! It’s amazing to know I have friends like you to help carry me through!
It will all be ok in the end, I promise! I know it’s hard to not have control over certain aspects of your life (believe me, I know!), but God has a plan for your family, and there are wonderful things in your future! It will work out. And you know I am here if you need me!
I love you Erin!!! Thanks for being true to the core. You have taught me so much this past year!
Erica,
This was so amazing for you to share your story. You are definitely not alone. I think as women and moms we often hold ourselves to incredibly high, unrealistic standards. We need to be the perfect mom who sings while baking cookies, the perfect wife who always looks amazing for “her man” and the perfect friend who always knows the right thing to say. You get the idea! We can’t be perfect and when we try to hold ourselves to that standard, we feel like failures when we don’t measure up. Then, when you add in money or career problems, the pressure just multiplies.
I think it is these tough times that cause us to re-prioritize our life. Years ago, when our oldest child was just a baby, my husband took a job in Atlanta. We had to live apart for 6 months. It was the hardest six months we had ever been through. We missed each other desperately and he missed his baby girl. We quickly learned that the things in life aren’t important…the house, the cars, etc. What was most important was our family and getting geographically back together. That lesson has stayed with us for 20 years and has helped us stay focused many times.
So…please know that you are not alone in your hole. Lean on your friends and family and allow them to help you smile!