the need for jesus

We are officially a week into the trip and have had the excitement and sense of adventure meet a mix of hard and challenging days.  Since my last post I have struggled and been kind of down.  Now is the time for a really honest and vulnerable message!  Hold on…Erica (thats me) doesn’t like to open up too often!  🙂

I am sure most of you know this about me, but I am a homey person.  I need a lot of alone time and I really enjoy time at home and just chilling with my boys in my sweats.  This trip has been harder than I expected in the sense that we are always “on” and with people.  It is obviously not the norm to live out of bins in a hotel with more people than your immediate family. 

Although it is hard for me to be constantly with people…its not that I don’t LOVE the people I am with!!  I feel so so blessed to be on such an awesome team-with such fun friends!  It’s been hard to figure out my “funk” because I didn’t want to hurt any of the feelings of those on this trip.

I have had thoughts that “I am done”, “I want to go home”, “if I can just MAKE it to AR, where I get to see my sister”.  I have wanted to wallow in my lowness and hold up in my one room home (which is definitely not possible with two boys).

Caleb is still figuring out life on the road…and struggles for his naps most days.  J is waking up about every hour or two through the night.  It’s hard living in a hotel room and balancing how to discipline and how much crying to allow in the night when we are living in such close quarters!!  p.s.  I do think its good we have only had one complaint call about being loud! 

Yesterday, God really used the team to minister to my heart.  Matt and I were able to get a few hours away by ourselves and his tender acceptance yet challenge to make the most of this time and not allow satan to feed me lies really broke the wall of apathy I think that was slowly building up.  

Although, I still don’t feel like I have it figured out how to balance the need for alone time with the desire to be part of the team (and not missing anything).  I am claiming the scripture that my sweet friend, Maddie, prayed over me last night.  Jesus is near to the broken hearted.  I want to be open and vulnerable and not fall back into the hard, selfish hole that satan would love for me to stay in.  This is a unique and rare opportunity to live as a team and love on one another and the people we come in contact with…and I don’t want to “miss it”! 

My spirits are up today-after an hour this morning of working out my body and soul in some good old fashion quality alone time in the gym/pool with my Savior.  I am praying that today I will have the grace to determine how to be a pateint mom (while I figure out how to love yet discipline my toddler as he is figuring out our new routine aswell), love and serve my amazing team, and have the wisdom to determine what I need so I will be healthy and rested and better for everyone around me…but most importantly that I wont try to do it on my own.  I need Jesus to restore my soul and bind the lies that satan is wanting to use to get in my head and heart. 

I am so thankful for the amazing team that loved on my boys last night, so matt and I could get some time together.  We met as a team when we got back, and I feel so blessed to be in an environment where I can share my heart and not be judged. 

As you can see, I am still trying to figure out how to balance and figure a lot of things out…but I have hope today and I know that is largely because you all are praying for us-and in this with us!!  Our team is so so much bigger than the 11 of us living in a hotel together….thank you fo all your support!!  We couldn’t do it without you!!

On a lighter note…Here is a video I took yesterday at the pool.  It makes me laugh every time because Matt thought i was trying to take a picture and not videotaping…