Did you listen to the Bert show this morning on the radio? They talked about extreme cases of OCD. I don’t usually listen to the “talk” part much on stations, but just flip to songs I like. Today they had me! Even as I write this I feel so understood and I guess not alone.
If you walked into my house or opened my car today, you would never know I struggle with OCD. I fight it HARD core. As a mom of three, there is no way I could possibly do all my rituals or keep things the way I want to if I also want my kids to love me…which I do! There is this saying I got off pinterest that has now being written on my chalkboard wall in the kitchen for weeks. It says ” Don’t give up what you want most, for what you want now.” To me, I have to hang on to that phrase with my OCD. What I want more than anything is for my kids to grow up feeling loved and treasured, but in some moments I just want a clean/organized house. I know there will be a day when all my rituals will be able to be in full swing, but I want to think of this time as a blessing as my kids are saving me from myself, so I continue to fight it.
But oh how nice was it to hear other people call in today and say how they check the locks like crazy, they get up off the couch to slightly move a book or frame, or how they sweep their floors 50 times a day, or how they use cutting boards to prepare all their food-no matter HOW clean the kitchen counters are. When I shared a room with my sister in middle school I remember making her get off her bed-on the top bunk- and go check the lock to make sure it was unlocked like five times a night cause I got tired of doing it myself . That was a horrible sister moment-so glad she is still one of my best friends today!
Something else that I have realized about myself is that I can only let it go for so long and then my systems take over and I am mean and edgy until some is back in “order”. It’s hard as crap. I had one of those moments this morning. Maybe this is my struggle so it helps keep me humble. There is nothing like apologizing to your four-year old before he goes out into the world (school) and leaves you for the day with that nasty pit in your stomach.
I think I hide it pretty well, you might see things and write them off as quirks or just funny things I do…but I can’t hide what it does to me on the inside. That comes out and oozes. A battle within is so hard on top of everything else life throws at you, so I fight it…but not on my own. I need Jesus. As my J man said today on our run “Jesus is a nice guy, mom”. So thankful I am not in this alone!
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