One of my life issues is emotionally closing up when I’m going through something hard. It is easier for me to put up walls than be real. I don’t know if it is from a heart that wants to protect itself from being vulnerable or from fear of letting others see me hurt. Letting people help me is something hard to accept as well. I feel like the two are somehow connected. Maybe letting people in is asking them to carry the burden of hurt as well, and I don’t want that.
Can you relate?
For five months, we have pulled back from a lot of life. As we adjusted to being foster parents and have walked through some fires with our foster son, we have done life closely with one another. I think a lot of it was because our plate has been so full we literally couldn’t carry much else, but as you can imagine other areas in my life took a second seat to carrying for our foster son and our three biological kids. They have been my world.
As Haven 2014 (Haven is a local DIY Blog Conference) was approaching, I struggled with should I sell my ticket or not. My family and foster son had been my world. They were the priority and all else took a back seat. Did projects really matter? Was my blog a silly thing to invest in? I wondered how I could emotionally switch from my family/foster mindset to a mindset to dream and talk business for three whole days.
I decided to go, largely because one of my best friends would be there and the ability to catch up with her was exciting.
So I went. I walked in with a heavy, hurting heart. I was on fumes, and I knew it. I know I was probably a little more quiet than last year. But, being real about where I was and at peace with it, was actually good for me.
For three days, I got to laugh with friends, dream up new ideas, be inspired, and poured back into. It encouraged my soul every time someone asked me about our family, said they were inspired by our foster parent role, and were encouraged by how we were living. I felt loved, carried, and slowly I let some girls in. They allowed me to be real, cry, and hurt. Thank you Christina, Angie, and Erin for walking through fire with me and giving me laughs along the way.
As a result, I felt loved and felt this spark light back up in me that was born to create and dream. I remembered in a fresh new way why I love blogging and why I love this community that blogging brings me.
The hotel was beautiful, the food was amazing, the swag was incredible, the bloggers were so kind, and the brands were generous. Last year, I largely was big into networking and experiencing it all. This time I relaxed, enjoyed, and it was much more about heart level, life changing conversations with sweet friends with a touch of learning. It was just what I needed.
It didn’t hurt that I learned from some of the best there are as well. To know people on and off the web is a huge gift.
I missed my family greatly, so there were lots of texts and selfies sent back and forth, but I am so thankful I had this weekend away. There is more to me and my life than just my family. We need community. We were wired for it.
If you have been following me on Instagram, you know I came home from Haven to find out that our foster son is leaving us. Tomorrow, he will be moving to a great aunt’s house. Although my heart is breaking, I feel like God has been slowly preparing me and our family for this transition. I have a peace. God is so gracious to us. I have gotten to know this sweet great aunt, and have the very rare pleasure to now call her friend. We will see this sweet boy that has become part of our family again.
As we have walked this road, I am continually amazed by the love poured out. I have not perfected letting others in, but I am trying. I am in a continual journey to become a better version of myself and who God created me to be. That alone is the perfect project.