There are moments in life that can be hard to explain. You may be surprised, nervous, proud, thrilled, or crushed. Sometimes the only way to appreciate the moment is to have walked the path to get there.
You have largely walked our foster care journey with us. I started the year by talking about the changes we would face as we sold our house, moved, and trained to become foster care parents. It only seems right to end the year by telling you about where we are with it today.
Please forgive me from detouring from my usual DIY posts (even though there is one hidden in here) as I share a little from my heart.
We completed our foster care training at the end of August and were certified shortly after that. From there things fell silent.
The waiting was hard and got discouraging. We moved for this, yet we were not being used. After some discouraging weeks and starting to process out loud with friends and Matt about our next steps (and if we should get certified in another county as well), God heard and responded to my cries. We were blessed with a little baby girl.
I wish I could tell all the details and show her beautiful face, but the most important part of this experience is she changed me. In the nine days we had with this sweet preemie, I fell in love hard.
I surprised myself with how quick the mothering nature was just there. I loved her. I wanted to protect her. I was defensive of her, and not wanting pushy people to ask why I had a baby that (obviously) didn’t look like me. I never knew my heart could grasp such an experience and love so hard so quick. My heart grew and was stretched in ways that I still can’t really explain.
It has taken till today, for me to be able to process this experience enough to share. Just over a week ago, I bawled as I handed her back to her foster mom. We just did respite for her for a small period. My heart still hurts and is grieving the loss.
It’s a crazy thing to know from the start that I would be giving her back, and yet still fall so hard. As I was up all hours of the night feeding and caring for this baby, I found myself praying and whispering truth into her ears. I can’t shake how she was born into a system and her life is seemingly up in the air. God knows the plan, but in my flesh I have a hard time watching an innocent child be born into a life of craziness (and here my kids were born into a loving home with two parents). It’s not fair.
When we were having our kids we planned and prepared with new clothes and painted bedrooms and this babe had none of that. I wanted her to have something for her, so I sent her home with two outfits and I sewed her a quick receiving blanket with her name embroidered on it.
Here’s how I made her blanket:
I simply took a yard of pretty fabric and laid it on top of a fleece blanket. I trimmed off the excess fleece. I sewed around the edge a few times to bind the two fabrics together. I then laid tape on top of the new blanket, so I would have a guide to sew lines down the blanket to give it a quilt type feel. After sewing those lines, I pulled up the tape and it was done.
It was quick, yet it was something for her. Something that was not a hand me down or bought used. It was something that could go with her no matter where she ends up.
I love this little girl, and I can not lie… I might have cried writing this post. My heart misses this little love, but I need to trust God has a plan for her. I know she has already changed me and my heart. I know we are on a path that we are meant to be. I am so happy and excited to do this again. As much as it hurt to say goodbye, I am so glad I got the gift of loving this sweet girl at Christmas.
Half way through the week I looked at Matt and said I knew I would be a mess when she left, and he said that meant I was doing a good job. I should be. She deserves that kind of love. The kind of love my kids get everyday.
In 2013, a dream of mine became a reality. I pray that my heart can do this over and over again. Thank you for being on this journey with us!