There are moments in life that can be hard to explain. You may be surprised, nervous, proud, thrilled, or crushed. Sometimes the only way to appreciate the moment is to have walked the path to get there.
You have largely walked our foster care journey with us. I started the year by talking about the changes we would face as we sold our house, moved, and trained to become foster care parents. It only seems right to end the year by telling you about where we are with it today.
Please forgive me from detouring from my usual DIY posts (even though there is one hidden in here) as I share a little from my heart.
We completed our foster care training at the end of August and were certified shortly after that. From there things fell silent.
The waiting was hard and got discouraging. We moved for this, yet we were not being used. After some discouraging weeks and starting to process out loud with friends and Matt about our next steps (and if we should get certified in another county as well), God heard and responded to my cries. We were blessed with a little baby girl.
I wish I could tell all the details and show her beautiful face, but the most important part of this experience is she changed me. In the nine days we had with this sweet preemie, I fell in love hard.
I surprised myself with how quick the mothering nature was just there. I loved her. I wanted to protect her. I was defensive of her, and not wanting pushy people to ask why I had a baby that (obviously) didn’t look like me. I never knew my heart could grasp such an experience and love so hard so quick. My heart grew and was stretched in ways that I still can’t really explain.
It has taken till today, for me to be able to process this experience enough to share. Just over a week ago, I bawled as I handed her back to her foster mom. We just did respite for her for a small period. My heart still hurts and is grieving the loss.
It’s a crazy thing to know from the start that I would be giving her back, and yet still fall so hard. As I was up all hours of the night feeding and caring for this baby, I found myself praying and whispering truth into her ears. I can’t shake how she was born into a system and her life is seemingly up in the air. God knows the plan, but in my flesh I have a hard time watching an innocent child be born into a life of craziness (and here my kids were born into a loving home with two parents). It’s not fair.
When we were having our kids we planned and prepared with new clothes and painted bedrooms and this babe had none of that. I wanted her to have something for her, so I sent her home with two outfits and I sewed her a quick receiving blanket with her name embroidered on it.
Here’s how I made her blanket:
I simply took a yard of pretty fabric and laid it on top of a fleece blanket. I trimmed off the excess fleece. I sewed around the edge a few times to bind the two fabrics together. I then laid tape on top of the new blanket, so I would have a guide to sew lines down the blanket to give it a quilt type feel. After sewing those lines, I pulled up the tape and it was done.
It was quick, yet it was something for her. Something that was not a hand me down or bought used. It was something that could go with her no matter where she ends up.
I love this little girl, and I can not lie… I might have cried writing this post. My heart misses this little love, but I need to trust God has a plan for her. I know she has already changed me and my heart. I know we are on a path that we are meant to be. I am so happy and excited to do this again. As much as it hurt to say goodbye, I am so glad I got the gift of loving this sweet girl at Christmas.
Half way through the week I looked at Matt and said I knew I would be a mess when she left, and he said that meant I was doing a good job. I should be. She deserves that kind of love. The kind of love my kids get everyday.
In 2013, a dream of mine became a reality. I pray that my heart can do this over and over again. Thank you for being on this journey with us!
My heart melted reading this…what an adorable precious child and so beautifully written by you…you are such an amazing inspiration. I pray for this sweet baby in hopes she ends up in a wonderful loving home…Love to you!
Amanda! You are continually encouraging me…and I could not be more grateful! Thank you so much for loving me…and being on this journey with me! I am inspired by your friendship! Thank you for being a light in my life! XO, Erica
This made me teary eyed! I’m so proud of you, and I know that you have been such a blessing in this sweet baby’s life. I’m sure there will be many more children whose lives you will touch! Happy New Year sweet friend!
Erin! I miss your face! Thank you so much for being on this journey with me and encouraging me ALL the time. I love you. Your friendship is one of the great blessings of 2013 for me. XO, Erica
I cannot imagine the pain of having to give her back! My heart aches just thinking about it. I am so glad you are sharing this journey with us!
Sally, Thank you for being on it with me and caring! My heart is so encouraged by reading all these comments. Thank you for taking the time to process with me and encourage me. Love you sweet friend! XO, Erica
I have told you before and I will say it again, if you only change one life in this journey of yours, it is more than most people have the courage to do. I am so proud of you and I am thankful to have a friend with such an amazing heart! That little girl is so lucky to have landed in your arms, if only for a short time.
JILL! You are amazing. Thank you for being on this journey with me from the VERY beginning. You are a rock in my days. I love you sweet friend. XO, Erica
Wow! You are doing an incredible thing! The fact that you gave so much if your heart to her in a few weeks means that God is going to do such amazing things through you for sweet kids in the foster system!
Thank you so much Baylee. Your sweet words mean so much! You have a beautiful little girl and I know she has grasped your heart. Little life is SO precious! Thank you for taking the time and energy as a first time, new, working mom to encourage me! It means so much! XO, Erica
Beautiful Erica. I read this with tears in my eyes. What you have done for the least of these you have done for Jesus himself. This is the sort of broken heart that only enlarges your capacity to love. Blessings on you all this New Year.
Bethany, you made me cry! Thank you so much for your sweet words and taking the time to encourage me. I type through watery eyes. I’m humbled how through my openess…God is using his people to love on me. Thank you! XO, Erica
That’s an amazing and beautiful story Erica… You made me cry! I’ll pray for you as you journey on… God is faithful, and His timing is always perfect.
Thank you so much Amber! Your package came at such a perfect time. I have been down and quiet. God used you to love on me. Thank you!! I will forever look at your bracelet and think of a sweet friendship and a special reminder that God’s timing is perfect and he gives us just what we need…when we need it. Love you sweet friend! XO, Erica
You are so beautiful inside and out, I’m so glad to know you and that little girl is all the better for it as well. You gave me tears…again, I so love reading your journey!
Kelley! That means so much! Thank you so much for your friendship and being on this journey with me. I feel supported and cared for. Thank you!! I missed a bottle feeding at one point (while I was out getting my hair done) and I sat in that chair…expecting my boobs to start hurting. 🙂 My heart was intertwined quickly with this little girl. Thank you so much for caring and encouraging me! XO, Erica
Oh Erica. Praying for your heart. Thank you for opening up about such a personal experience and for being willing to open your heart for children without families. I know how quickly I loved Ephrem, so I can relate to how you felt. (I can’t imagine having to hand him back though…) I know that however long foster kids come into your home, they will be forever impacted by your love and care. Praying for the next children who come into your home – and for a heart broken for the things that break His.
Carla, That means so much!! Thank you for speaking truth into me. I pray my heart can continue to be broken for things that break his too. I joke with Matt that someday I may just have to run for Governor…be an advocate for these kids. My heart gets pumped up talking about it…so I know I am living out a gift and passion that God has wired in me. I find strength in that…and having a community like YOU behind me. Thanks for bringing a smile to my face! XO, Erica
Love your story and your journey. I cried happy and sad tears. Beautiful.
Thank you so much Robin. I’m usually a REALLY open person to a fault, but this was a hard post to write. I think because I’m still processing it and my heart feels tender…so your sweet words really mean a lot! Thank you!! XO, Erica
You are amazing and your children, future fosters included, are so very lucky to have you looking out for and loving them. You give me hope.
cried reading this. bless you.
Thank you so much Ashley for reading and taking the time to comment. I know you are a busy mama too. It meant so much! I just reread it and cried again. Trusting its all part of the healing process! XO, Erica
I loved reading this post! We also became a certified foster-adopt home in August. We got a placement before we were even certified, the little guy is still with us today, and it has been quite the journey. The ups, as well as the downs {oh, the downs…}, have all been a blessing. God is teaching us so much about serving, loving, patience… It is definitely a difficult thing to be called to love other peoples children as you would your own. The line between ours/not ours is often blurred, but then the phone will ring and it all changes…just to change back a few days later.
Keep persevering. Hold unswervingly to the hope you profess, for He who promised is faithful! (Hebrews 10:23) Many blessings to you as you take this journey!
Mariah, I can’t thank you enough for your sweet words! THANK you!! In our short time frame with this sweet girl…I could already pick up on how hard those blurry lines would be. Thank you for taking the time to encourage me! I just may have to save your email and cry out to you at some point on this journey. May god bless you as you continue to shine and love on that little guy! We changed our status from a respite home to a foster home (open to adopt someday) because of this sweet girl. I hope we get a call soon! XO, Erica
Oh you are welcome! I have learned quickly that having an encouraging support system is crucial in foster care, so you may email me anytime you like! I’m sure God has a child in mind to bless you with soon!
Aww…I’m so glad that you had such a great and fulfilling experience for your first time! I’m sure this is the beginning of an amazing journey for you and your family! And so sweet that you made her something that she can take with her!
Thanks so much Dana! We changed our respite status becuase of her. 🙂 I’m hoping we get a call for a full time placement soon! XO, Erica
Thanks for this post! A girlfriend of mine pinned it to my board on pinterest for me. We were kinship foster parents in the summer. Got burned pretty badly, so are in the process of switching to a private agency to continue fostering. I have said that I don’t want the short-term placements. This has given me a different perspective. Care if I share on my blog? http://www.ps1186.wordpress.com
Shana, My heart hurts for you! I can’t imagine what happened, but then again…in my short experience with this little girl…I joked with my husband about running for governor someday. I’m so so thankful that my story could encourage you. I was trusting there was a reason I cried through writing and sharing it. Your sweet comment helped my soul. Please feel free to use one of the pictures and link back to my post on your blog. I will go check it out right now! Please stay in touch too! I’d love to follow along in your journey! XO, Erica
Such a beautiful post, Erica. Thanks for sharing your experience.
What an absolutely amazing thing you guys are doing! Precious baby girl! She’s so fortunate to have spent even a brief time in your wonderful, loving home. She will treasure the beautiful blanket you made her! Thanks for sharing your story.
Angela, thank you so so much for your sweet, and encouraging comment! It means so much! XO, Erica
Thanks for sharing this post! What I’ve always thought is the hardest for me to wrap my head around is falling in love with a child and then letting them go. It’s hard enough to watch my own little ones grow and move away from me, but to snuggle and love a baby and then say goodbye. It takes a strong woman. Thank goodness you are willing to do it!
Thank you so so much Emily for your sweet words! They are so encouraging! XO, Erica
Please keep on being a foster parent. i was in foster care for a bit, and wished they could have adopted me. she taught me how to hold a fork and spoon, how to eat ad not shovel food in my mouth, how to take a bath by myself, how to brush my own hair, he taught me all about Christ and his love, he gave me his bible he used as an assistant pastor, he gave me knowledge of Christ’s love and the incentive to accept Christ as my personal savior. i was almost 11 before i learned how to feed myself instead of eating with my hands, and learned to even bathe myself. please keep up the good Lord’s work. thank you!
Ohhhhhh you just encouraged my soul!!! Thank you so so much Kamiko for sharing your story with me. I am honored. I have never known a grown foster child, and I am moved by your testimony. I can’t thank you enough for sharing it with me! AND no worries, we aren’t going anywhere! We are currently doing respite for lots of foster families while we await a call. XO, Erica
I have to say I did tear up big time reading this….such precious, deep, humbling, thoughts you have shared with us….thank you Erica and Matt for opening up your hearts, home and family to experience such a special gift you are giving this little one and more to come your way! Love it! Love y’all! <3 Georgia