(Note: Congratulations to Amanda Huyser for winning my hair bow this week!)
Life is changing again for us. I was so sad about Caleb starting preschool this year, but in the last few weeks I have also been so sad about it ending. It’s funny how that changed this year.
I have been so excited to get my boy back and to start attacking the list on our fridge of all the fun things we want to do this summer. I have been so excited about our schedule being freed up and creating lots of memories together!
On the other hand, Roswell Presbyterian Preschool has been such a sweet “routine” for Caleb. He had the two best teachers. I literally believe God placed our boy in their room this year. It wasn’t an accident or by chance. They love my Caleb and were so patient with my questions and endless emails at the beginning of the year when I was learning to “let go”. Caleb and his classmates bonded this year, and I am sad for this sweet season to end because of the friendships he has made and the influence of his teachers in his life.
Caleb had mixed feelings about school ending too. He has been so excited about summer and swimming in “Grammy Pammy’s pool”, yet He’s been sad to say goodbye to his school, friends, and teachers. I watch his sweet innocence and am trying to help him grasp and process this change in his life.
I think part of why this is a hard change for me is knowing I am keeping him home next year. He wont see his friends in a few short months back at school. After our best friends moving, Matt’s job having a different look and routine, my boys not taking naps or even doing “quiet time” anymore, and now this change…I think I’m just kind of emotional!? In my opinion, one of the hardest parts of being a stay at home mom to three little ones is having changes and being too busy and tired to process it all. There are all these emotions not sorted out and just kind of on the edge of your heart and soul, so they ooze out the first chance they are “allowed” to.
On Friday, he had his last day of preschool.
In hopes of trying to boost both our hurting hearts, I tried to prep a fun “Welcome to Summer” activity. After rushing home from dropping Caleb off at school, I hurriedly started creating a banner for him. I filled up a bucket of water balloons and all of our water guns. My goal was to get home and to have a huge water war. In the midst of this preparation, I had a slight melt down. I forgot to follow through on J’s potty training routine when we got home and the result started my unraveling.
I was annoyed that I couldn’t do everything I wanted without being “interrupted” with my other two children. I was snippy and edgy with them as I was rushing to do MY tasks. My mind was busily trying to plan a special day for Caleb, and I wasn’t as sharp with J’s needs. Not staying on it with him caused a step backwards in his potty training and I lost it.
I started crying and got so frustrated. I was frustrated with myself. It was all my fault. I put all this pressure on myself to make today special for Caleb…I was failing my other two. After such an emotional high of “miracles coming in the form of poop” literally the day before, I was so discouraged with myself that I wasn’t more on my game with J. I can’t do it all.
I just cried and hugged my sweet husband. As I was crying, it all came out. Hence, my emotions oozed :). I’m tired and going to bed too late. I struggle to go to bed earlier because if I don’t stay up late and have some me time, I fail at hanging on to parts of “Erica”. I’ve been sick and can’t run, so I am failing at holding onto one hobby I have worked so hard to keep up. I can’t look cute and prepped everyday, so I fail at being the “hot mom”. My house is always a mess, so I fail at being a good “home maker”. Most of my meals are decided after my husband is home and the kids are beyond ready to eat, so I fail at another level of “home maker”. I cant please each of my three kids at the same time, all day, everyday, so I fail at being “super mom”. In my mind, I am always letting someone or something down. It’s so hard.
The day before this melt down, I had celebrated the heck out of J’s first poop in the toilet, and now I was letting him down by trying to make a special day for Caleb.
Matt held me, let me cry, helped fill my water balloons, and brought me back to reality. What matters is loving my kids and not all the “tasks” I want to do for/or with them. I put this pressure on my self to be “super ____”, but no one expects me to be that way. He is God’s gift to me.
I wiped my tears and went to enjoy the end of the school year picnic with my kids, Caleb’s classmates, their moms, and his teachers.
After a good cry with my husband and a laugh with a sweet friend at Caleb’s last day of school picnic. I was feeling a little better. I can’t be super mom all the time. This is my season. My special, quick season of having three little blessings to care for everyday.
The water war was a blast! The kids loved it! There is nothing like a little skirt gun war and water balloon chasing to make you laugh and feel like a kid.
My cute girl was pretty much big eyed and sat in this chair taking it all in.
The giggles and shrieks of laughter in these moments, do so much for my tired soul. This is what my season is about. Enjoying and delighting in my kids is my priority. I will fail in moments of not being able to be “super mom”, but I just need to keep loving them and being humble in moments of weakness.
So, to all the tired mamas out there, embrace that you wont always be a “super mom”, because it does not mean you are failing at being a GOOD mom!!
Part TWO of this processing is in my next post: Caleb’s Graduation Ceremony.