The last few weeks I have been in a really dark place about money and our financial status. I have become bitter and callous to people when it comes to money and those who have it to spend. In a season where money is hard for a lot of people, I feel like I have taken an attitude that I deserve to have it (not tons of extra money – just our normal paycheck would be great).
We are following what we believe to be God’s call on our life and why would he not honor and bless us for it? When people tell us that they are encouraged by how we live by faith that God will provide it has made me mad. I am not perfect-just a human girl…and there have been many nights where I have cried to Matt about my frustrations. I hear people encouraging us and saying they are so proud of us and I’m thinking, “I’m normal, sinful, and us living this way doesn’t mean I want to…I don’t!” As a mom I want to be able to take care of all of my boys needs and not have one of the first thoughts go through my head on the way to taking a son to the hospital-“oh no…how are we going to pay for this?”
Do you feel sorry for me yet? Please don’t. It’s not the point – I say all of this because for the first time in weeks-I feel hope and the beginning sense of peace. Matt made the comment about a week ago, “I don’t know if I should let you hurt or challenge you to see the bigger picture.” He has loved me well-with a balance of both. I know that I will still have hard moments and be scared, frustrated, or even mad. But I have a growing sense in me…it’s not all about me. I don’t deserve anything. I am sinful and only by God’s grace can I be redeemed from carrying this burden and living in peace day-to-day.
Our dryer broke last week and our dishwasher broke last night. Two surprising expenses that would be hard for anyone. It’s been hard, but I am not devastated like I feel I would have been a few weeks ago. It will work out…and we will be fine…actually we are fine. I don’t have to have a dishwasher, it’s a privilege…There are billions of people that wash their dishes by hand – and by the way I am richly blessed that I don’t have to first find and then carry the water for miles to have it in my home! Add on top of it that our water is CLEAN & HOT, a privilege that most do not have! So will a broken dishwasher break me? No, not today it won’t. And I’m grateful to Jesus for that.
Please be praying for me and us as we continue on this road of trusting God to provide. I feel like my heart is in a much better place, but I am also struggling to figure out how do I seek God and try to figure out all he is doing in me…while taking care of two boys all day. It is an extremely amazing job and a tremendous blessing to be a mom and get to raise my kids by being with them day in and day out…it’s just hard-I am so tired…and I don’t want to miss the things God is doing around me. I feel that I am being rescued from my selfish and angry heart…I am craving more and more to be like Christ and run after him…but I just don’t know how to balance it all!? I want and need to believe I am loving and serving Christ by loving and taking care of my boys or otherwise I struggle with the question-does my life have purpose?
I want to serve with my kids, my family and for them to have a growing sense that life is so big and they are one small piece of it. I’m grateful that the darkness in me is being exposed by a very hopeful and loving light. Thank you for loving my family and being on this journey with us-just reading this…I know you care! How do you find balance and trust in the midst of hard times? I’d love to hear your thoughts as I wrestle through this in my own journey.